Aug. 8 – White noise must be music to my ears because goodness, do I ever miss dancing

Yesterday I woke up completely deaf in my right ear. It’s a strange feeling, having at the very least five percent of one sense and then to suddenly, abruptly be without it. That five percent is a lot. That five percent did a lot. And now it’s gone. I’m not sad, really. I think I’m exhausted. To try and learn how to live completely deaf in one ear terrifies me. Learning to live with that mere five percent was difficult enough. This happens quite a bit, though. It could have happened for any number of reasons, but I’m almost positive that my ear canal is just blocked with wax or something completely normal. But the chances that it’s not? Well, that still rests with me every time I lay my head down to sleep.

Today I woke up completely deaf in my right ear. I wasn’t surprised, to be honest. Disappointed, yes. But also curious as to what is actually wrong with me this time. Of course, I’m imagining the absolute worst, but I’ve come so far in this game of cat and mouse that I feel a little numbed to the shock of what’s happening. I remain utterly calm as I email my mother to request the email of my ENT. I tell my mother what’s happening and await her response. She will be more anxious than I am, that’s for sure. I feel a little terrible that my only question when waking up this morning was “Ugh, what now?” instead of “Yikes, this kind of sucks. What is happening?”
I have no room left in me to exhaust questions of fear. In a way, I have already accepted what’s happening, already decided to live with it. That makes me a little bit sad.

You know that silence, that little static noise you hear first thing in the morning? As if there is a field of wheat rustling inside your tiny little ear drum and it’s pressing a breeze into your cheeks while you yawn the rest of your body awake – white noise. The only thing I can think of right now is how lonely I feel without the presence of that white noise.

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Aug. 3 – What about when things don’t work out?

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Charlene Moore, July 2016

It’s raining, pouring really, and I was nearly physically assaulted while at my job, yet all I can think about while my fingers shake is in which way I would use the power, if I had it, to know exactly what the people around me were thinking. Would I use it against them for personal gain, or perhaps use it for the benefit of us both? I’d like to think it was the latter, but I know for a fact we as humans can’t help but at the very least consider selfishness once. Me being the way that I am, I firmly believe the universe has created a path to which we lead for ourselves, which includes a sort of communal connectedness. In some way, one or another, we are connected whether by physicality or spirituality. Sometimes we are tied with both. Sometimes we feel only one side. I also believe our actions encourage the outcomes we face. You assume one thing will happen, so you put your thought, energy, and time into this thing. Voila! It has happened. Was it because you put yourself into this outcome, or was it just the way things worked out? I have a difficult time deciphering between the two, and thus making it difficult to decide whether or not something is my fault.

June 24 – Me, the fish, and the sea: What will you be building when you have to go? 

Lately I’ve been feeling like I have no purpose or sense of individuality, while also struggling to understand an identity that is broken into so many pieces, I’m not sure they’re from the same puzzle. There’s this thing that we call “destination addiction”, the false hope that happiness lies within the next job, the next romantic relationship, the next town. Anywhere but here, and anyone but who we presently are. There isn’t a single person in the history of existence to the present day that is exactly the same as you. We are one of a kind from the moment we are thought of, and it makes me wonder what inside ourselves presses for us to wish we were someone or somewhere else. What radical foolishness. I’m guilty, too.   Continue reading “June 24 – Me, the fish, and the sea: What will you be building when you have to go? “