July 23 – Are you lonely while you’re looking for yourself out there?

Everything felt like colour. If colour had a feel, a taste, a smell – this is what I was feeling, tasting, smelling, touching, hearing. There was no distraction in sight, none of the physical visual kind. But there was so much to see. Nothing felt good or bad, but somewhere in between there was acknowledgment of it being there. A stone, and the wind. The ground. My feet pressing into the soft sand, left, right, left, right. Stand still. Focus on seeing, focus on touching, focus on smelling, but never focus on more than one sense at a time. Thinking. Each moment I encountered had to be savoured individually, had to be respected and appreciated as just that one moment without the threat of another sense bumping into it. One at a time. Patience. You will all get a turn. Multiple turns. Individually. Everything I was experiencing was so, so special.

Inside of myself I could feel veins, roots, and connections between and to everything. People, nature, insects and animals. Everything was breathing, pumping, vibrating into and off of each other. When something or someone was missing, I could feel it. It didn’t hurt, and didn’t feel good, but it was just there demanding to be acknowledged. And so I did. A space would emerge amongst the crowd and be filled with whatever or whomever I was missing, whatever I was feeling inside, whatever I needed to be feeling. Everything pulsed in background position, but the spotlight was always focused on that one space, wherever that space may be during that specific, special moment. I had no feeling of panic or distress, as I trusted in the space around me and what filled it. Coming and going, I accepted and let go of everything that came and left. My arms were open, and I welcomed what they embraced. This felt good. Feeling felt good. Releasing felt good. I’ve been told by those surrounding me that I barely shed a single tear this whole experience, but from my perspective my cheeks were never dry. And that felt good.

To be touched, physically, emotionally, spiritually, by such an overwhelming experience was so rewarding, exhausting, and motivating. I needed this.

I need this. I need to be embraced more, spoken with, not to, seen, heard. I need to be felt in someone else’s gut, and inside my own.

What an awakening experience.           

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