June 24 – Me, the fish, and the sea: What will you be building when you have to go? 

Lately I’ve been feeling like I have no purpose or sense of individuality, while also struggling to understand an identity that is broken into so many pieces, I’m not sure they’re from the same puzzle. There’s this thing that we call “destination addiction”, the false hope that happiness lies within the next job, the next romantic relationship, the next town. Anywhere but here, and anyone but who we presently are. There isn’t a single person in the history of existence to the present day that is exactly the same as you. We are one of a kind from the moment we are thought of, and it makes me wonder what inside ourselves presses for us to wish we were someone or somewhere else. What radical foolishness. I’m guilty, too.  

What a strange and one-sided thought to think that everything will work out simply because it has to when in reality you have no control over the other half of this thought. We control our end of things, but the rest is left to the universe, or the other person, or circumstance. It’s smart to be prepared for something but not to expect it. But honestly, who is usually prepared for the opposite answer they’re looking for? This is why we feel upset. Sadness. Disappointment. We expected something else, we believed we deserved this thing for whatever reason. And maybe we did deserve it, maybe we didn’t. This is beside the point. It’s so, so easy to love when you are constantly receiving love. It’s also very easy to hate when you are constantly receiving hate. How do we find balance? What motivates us to do better, be better, live better? How do we find some sort of self-care in between the chaos of simply being a person? Why do we need the approval of others to validate what we do? Is our own validation not enough?

“ …we always have a choice. We can become bitter or we can choose
to become bigger and better people. When we learn to recognize that
every experience can bring a blessing of some kind, our upset is
softened.”
Wisdom from World Religions: Pathways Toward Heaven on Earth / John Marks Templeton

Why do we think there is always too little “enoughness” within ourselves? Why are we so scared to be alone with ourselves? I say we, but I mean me, and I. I am constantly wishing I had something that someone else has, purely out of envy, purely out of the mere selfishness of “Yeah, I deserve that, too.” So, why haven’t I given it to myself? Why do I need someone else to give me something I need? Not want, need. Be self-supporting, Charlene.

I’ve never read that book, but I’m really good at asking questions.
Finding answers and solutions isn’t my strong suit, yet.
Make a list of the things you need. Not want, need.
Now go and give them to yourself.

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