I feel I have come upon an infancy to which I am experiencing for the first time; learning about people and places, how to do things and, most importantly, how not to do things. In which way do we go about our lives as oneself when the influence of temporary environment is strenuously hefty? Maybe I am acknowledging this weight for the first time, or maybe I am finally recognizing this as something that is heavy. Our space, the people we interact with, and the activities we partake in are all things that contribute to our spectrum of needs when it comes to our well-being. Sometimes we don’t pay as much attention to this spectrum and other times we hold hands with it a little too tightly. Finding a happy medium is exhausting.
Everything we do and absorb is something we ourselves are credible for. The influence others emit has absolutely no affect on the way we reciprocate, and this is just one of many recent lessons I have not happily but willingly received. Reflection is a perspective I firmly believe we need to learn when it comes to judging ourselves. Why did I say that? What is the motive behind my actions? Why do I need something or someone to blame? It is so terrifyingly easy to brush off what we put into the world without second thought, but to return to what we’ve given and judge ourselves from the view of others is incredibly releasing. This is a weight I feel we often disregard or fail to acknowledge we’re carrying.
When we learn to do something new, we often look in places we feel will have the most support, the most answers. Sometimes this is our friends or parents, maybe our teachers or instructors, neighbors, or that elderly man you frequently see on the bus. Our fingertips prickle as we search for answer to the questions our lips expel too quickly for proper understanding, and maybe we repeat ourselves a couple of times to various friends, internet search engines, or librarians. This is infancy. We attain a drive to learn and strive to do so, maybe unknowing we are doing so all the while. And sometimes, we’re not sure what we’re searching for, where to look or what questions to ask. All we can do is try our best not to let uncertainty be the deciding factor to which we will or will not find answers to questions we have yet to speak.
I think I am often emerged in infancy. I do not do well with uncertainty.
But learning to speak up is just another question I will need to embrace.