Feb. 19 – A gentle reminder to question everything

Over the past 2-3 weeks, I’ve had multiple conversations with others and myself regarding various topics, large and small, about life and how to live, autonomy, attitude and understanding, perspective and belief. When looking at these topics from afar, some initial thoughts are that these topics are incredibly large. And, sure, they are. But not so that we can’t talk of them simply on a daily basis, so I don’t understand why we don’t speak of them more often.
Anyway, I’ve been having these conversations, and yesterday it came to my realization that I’ve been speaking of these so loosely and casually that I’ve become very comfortable with them, in such a way that I prefer to discuss these topics instead of, say, the fucking weather.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the “upswing”. When we’re in the “upswing” we firstly think of it as things are going really, really great. And that’s good. But to me the upswing is just the top of a roller coaster – we’ve got to come down sometime. As I was speaking about this out loud I realized that every time I told someone I was good because I was in the upswing, I was actually telling them that things were going great but I expected them to climb over that peak and drop sometime soon. I was expecting the good to come to an end.

For roughly the last month, 4-5 weeks, I’ve been doing pretty well. My attitude has remained positive, I’ve been pretty productive with my time, and I’ve been able to effectively manage my stress. One thing I noticed during this time is that not once did I refer to my positivity as being in the upswing. Life is good and I am living in the moment. As I was thinking this over, I came across a couple of days about two weeks ago where something happened and I just dropped, putting me into a sort of hazy sad state. I sat with this feeling for a couple of days so that I could reflect and react without that initial feeling being involved, and it has taken me this long to realize that the reason I felt so strongly about this small dip was because I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t expecting things to fall. I was looking at the horizon, not the peak of the ride.

Roughly, yet again, the last two weeks I have been in and out of internal conversations with myself regarding my life in the future, where I’m going to go, what I’m going to do, what I should do, my attitude and perspective and what I should change about those; big topics, large conversations. Independence is difficult to learn. We’ve all got a piece of it here or there, but to really immerse yourself in it and absorb all you can is quite difficult. Moving out, moving across the country, going to post-secondary or even deciding to do so, staying in all night or going out for once, even if that means going by yourself. I’ve found this challenging these last couple of weeks. Independence. What am I going to do? Well, realistically, anything I want to. I can do anything that I want to. I feel like I didn’t really take in the ferocity of the power of independence, or even really think about it, until recently. It currently feels like the world is pressing on my shoulders, but it’s not hard. It’s a gentle, heavy reminder to do all I can with what I can and to expect nothing less.

I still have no idea what I’m going to do, or where I’ll go, but I’m getting there.
And an important step, something I forgot for a few months, is to not expect less out of something I don’t know the outcome to.

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