Dec. 9 – 4:36 p.m.

The past week has been so busy, but also very uneventful at the same time. Leading up to surgery I was so anxious and tense all the time, I couldn’t enjoy simple pleasures. I used to shake upon any form of human physical connection, and my responses to questions or opinions was so overthought that I usually didn’t have much to say in the end. Post-surgery has been rough, but I feel different. Yes, maybe because an aggressively growing tumor was cut out from inside my head, but I feel energetically lighter, a sort of spirituality.

A good friend of mine who lives out of town surprised me yesterday, and I all but crumbled into her arms upon seeing her face. The hug I received felt so good, warm and just full of so much genuine love that I feel that maybe my body has been missing out on due to my own anxiety or fears. I have been so tense and shaky that I haven’t let people be close to me. Physical connection is so important, and it can help us in so many different ways, but I have been so disconnected that I haven’t been letting it. I feel that because of that it has made me scared.
But I’ve been calm now.

I don’t feel very tense lately, or anxious. It’s very strange, and it has taken me a week to notice and identify it. I feel very weightless, and in craving. Craving being touched, hugged, comforted, patted, kissed. Some things in which I no longer receive at the moment. And that’s okay. I figure sometimes what I’m feeling is loneliness, and that’s okay, too. I don’t have to feel full to be a functionally interactive part of the world, and I don’t need to be whole to be alive. I will get there. Attitude has a lot to do with everything, as well as perspective. And both of those are completely up to me. I make the choices.
I feel that part of the reason I may feel so much lighter is because I’m allowing myself to feel just so. It took me a long time to do this, but now that I have recognized and acknowledged it, I feel pretty confident about it.

Some things don’t matter as much as you may think.
And some of them do.
But deciding between the two is completely up to me.


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