Dec. 21 – This shit get’s old

“Very nearly,
All but,”
The dictionary describes this as “almost”, but lately I’ve described it as the way I receive –
Almost full,
Almost healthy,
Almost tumor-free.
The way I receive is purely the way I perceive what I’ve been given, but frankly my attitude is shit,
And my gratitude is almost sufficient to how thankful I should be.

My experience with life is what I take from the world, and I will always hold the power to change my perception, but perhaps I like to sit in my own self-pity for far too long.
I think we are all guilty of doing this at some point in our life.
Some more than others.
I more than others.
There’s a warm and strange ooze that’s almost comfortable in a lack of self-care, something that we often welcome too easily.
Why?
Just that – it’s easy.
Admit it, not taking care of yourself is so goddamn easy, I bet you do it all the time.
I do.
Admitting it is also easy.
Doing something about it, that’s the hard part.

So git ‘er done.

{Written on December 9th, 2015 – 2:39pm}

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Dec. 14 -Maybe try a different wine

I feel it a difficult concept to grasp when beginning to understand that I am not the same person I was two weeks ago, a month ago, 5 minutes ago. I also find this a difficult conversation to have, and a very trying subject to describe. Or maybe I’m just absolutely terrible at articulating my thoughts. It’s probably a mixture of both, but this, too, I find changes continuously. Time is measurable but the way we use our time, I feel, is not. This changes. Nothing stays the same, as much as I’d like it to. We feed off of change, survive on it. But we despise a change that we haven’t yet agreed to. We envy or fill with hatred for a change we cannot control.  Continue reading “Dec. 14 -Maybe try a different wine”

Dec. 9 – 4:36 p.m.

The past week has been so busy, but also very uneventful at the same time. Leading up to surgery I was so anxious and tense all the time, I couldn’t enjoy simple pleasures. I used to shake upon any form of human physical connection, and my responses to questions or opinions was so overthought that I usually didn’t have much to say in the end. Post-surgery has been rough, but I feel different. Yes, maybe because an aggressively growing tumor was cut out from inside my head, but I feel energetically lighter, a sort of spirituality.

A good friend of mine who lives out of town surprised me yesterday, and I all but crumbled into her arms upon seeing her face. The hug I received felt so good, warm and just full of so much genuine love that I feel that maybe my body has been missing out on due to my own anxiety or fears. I have been so tense and shaky that I haven’t let people be close to me. Continue reading “Dec. 9 – 4:36 p.m.”