Sept. 22 – There is the falling of leaves and then there is me

Processed with VSCO with m3 preset

I am in a transitionary state of feeling completely deciduous. I am not ready, but there are parts of me that need to be moving forward, bits of me that want to. I have been thinking of amicability toward myself and the act of reconciling past perceptions of myself that have somehow managed to carry through and grow with the other parts of me, and I am wondering how to go about the beginning of a process that may take an amount of time to which I cannot keep up with.  Autumn has brought along with it a new measurement of time characterized by the lengths of “just for a while” to “in a little bit” or even “maybe tomorrow”.
I am coming to find this is something that cannot be taught or passed down, but must be learned purely through experience. If I am to do something I typically do it the hard way, not usually by choice, but I never seem to learn as much if things end up easy. How do you measure the time it takes to grow when you are not sure what you need to do so?

Everything feels like the motion of fast-forward and I am having trouble keeping up with yesterday, let alone worrying about tomorrow. I feel so scrambled that I am having a hard time feeling anything at all or everything all at once. The definition of “zero to one hundred” seems to be at the front of my dictionary and I have an app for that, so accessibility is not an issue here. When your brain is running in slow motion then maybe it is for the best that your body leads. This is all temporary, at least just for a while.

 

 

Advertisements

Mar. 29 – Note to Self

Does the sound of someone’s voice have the power to silence you?

Such a generalized question, but I would bet you thought of somebody and perhaps thought of their voice.
I did.

Did you speak on it?
It is alright.
I did not, either.

I also never mentioned their tone, intent or context.
I would bet you thought of all three in the time it took you to think of that somebody, without even thinking about doing it.
I also thought of all three.

Imagine millions, even billions, of other people around the world thinking this at the same time you are thinking this. Millions and billions of alternative stories, characters, circumstances, situations and outcomes to yours.
There are so many possibilities in the world, so many ways to live and so many lives to be lived by you.

This moment is not defining.

Feb. 19 – Unsolicited advice on supporting friends who struggle with mental illness

Please keep in mind before, during and after reading this that this list has a general point of view. This does not exempt the reader, friend, or anybody else from this list or from contributing to/participating in this list. We should be spreading love and warm light as often as we can, and when you think about it, why not?

Here are some tips I’ve written out short and sweet to help myself, and hopefully others, consider life from a different perspective, and a different point of view. Breathe, read, and participate in supporting people in their journey to self-discovery, happiness, and self-care.

  1. Remain their friend

Sometimes mental health can become the only thing that someone can focus on for an unknown period of time. Peak times for a majority of people are typically during the cooler months of the year. This focus may last days, weeks, sometimes even months or just specific moments. There may even be small breaks during this time in which one might see or spend time with someone else closest to that moment {not to be confused with someone who “means more” or “means less” than others to them} but it’s important to remember that your pal who is struggling loves and cares about you even if they forget plans, cancel, or don’t text you for a while.

2. Invite them out
Continue to include your friend in events, group plans, and individual plans with yourself, even if you feel they won’t come. It shows you care and are still interested in a friendship with them. What if the time you don’t ask them or assume they won’t come, they do or want to? Don’t expect less of something you don’t know the outcome to.

3. Communicate with them
Inviting your friend out gives you both the chance to check in with the other and clear any miscommunication you may have had while creating an opportunity to better your lines of communication by physically spending time with that person in a space you are both comfortable with. This also gives you the opportunity to stop and wonder “Maybe I am not fully informed quite yet?”
Remember that your pal will fill you in as soon as they are ready, and this may take days, weeks, months, however long they need to feel ready. Keep in mind that this amount of time has nothing to do with you.

4. Gentle reminders
Give your pal some loving reminders of support, even if you haven’t talked or seen each other in a while. Sharing love and support with others encourages people to do the same! They will appreciate you thinking of their well-being. {This can also be a great opportunity to make plans with each other, check-in, and overall just shower one another in golden light}

It is so easy to forget that everyone on this planet is experiencing their own version of the world and life, and we have to help create space for others to experience that in {as well as ourselves}.

Let everything we do be done in love. 

 

Aug. 8 – White noise must be music to my ears because goodness, do I ever miss dancing

Yesterday I woke up completely deaf in my right ear. It’s a strange feeling, having at the very least five percent of one sense and then to suddenly, abruptly be without it. That five percent is a lot. That five percent did a lot. And now it’s gone. I’m not sad, really. I think I’m exhausted. To try and learn how to live completely deaf in one ear terrifies me. Learning to live with that mere five percent was difficult enough. This happens quite a bit, though. It could have happened for any number of reasons, but I’m almost positive that my ear canal is just blocked with wax or something completely normal. But the chances that it’s not? Well, that still rests with me every time I lay my head down to sleep.

Today I woke up completely deaf in my right ear. I wasn’t surprised, to be honest. Disappointed, yes. But also curious as to what is actually wrong with me this time. Of course, I’m imagining the absolute worst, but I’ve come so far in this game of cat and mouse that I feel a little numbed to the shock of what’s happening. I remain utterly calm as I email my mother to request the email of my ENT. I tell my mother what’s happening and await her response. She will be more anxious than I am, that’s for sure. I feel a little terrible that my only question when waking up this morning was “Ugh, what now?” instead of “Yikes, this kind of sucks. What is happening?”
I have no room left in me to exhaust questions of fear. In a way, I have already accepted what’s happening, already decided to live with it. That makes me a little bit sad.

You know that silence, that little static noise you hear first thing in the morning? As if there is a field of wheat rustling inside your tiny little ear drum and it’s pressing a breeze into your cheeks while you yawn the rest of your body awake – white noise. The only thing I can think of right now is how lonely I feel without the presence of that white noise.

Aug. 3 – What about when things don’t work out?

IMG_6541
Charlene Moore, July 2016

It’s raining, pouring really, and I was nearly physically assaulted while at my job, yet all I can think about while my fingers shake is in which way I would use the power, if I had it, to know exactly what the people around me were thinking. Would I use it against them for personal gain, or perhaps use it for the benefit of us both? I’d like to think it was the latter, but I know for a fact we as humans can’t help but at the very least consider selfishness once. Me being the way that I am, I firmly believe the universe has created a path to which we lead for ourselves, which includes a sort of communal connectedness. In some way, one or another, we are connected whether by physicality or spirituality. Sometimes we are tied with both. Sometimes we feel only one side. I also believe our actions encourage the outcomes we face. You assume one thing will happen, so you put your thought, energy, and time into this thing. Voila! It has happened. Was it because you put yourself into this outcome, or was it just the way things worked out? I have a difficult time deciphering between the two, and thus making it difficult to decide whether or not something is my fault.

July 23 – Are you lonely while you’re looking for yourself out there?

Everything felt like colour. If colour had a feel, a taste, a smell – this is what I was feeling, tasting, smelling, touching, hearing. There was no distraction in sight, none of the physical visual kind. But there was so much to see. Nothing felt good or bad, but somewhere in between there was acknowledgment of it being there. A stone, and the wind. The ground. My feet pressing into the soft sand, left, right, left, right. Stand still. Focus on seeing, focus on touching, focus on smelling, but never focus on more than one sense at a time. Thinking. Each moment I encountered had to be savoured individually, had to be respected and appreciated as just that one moment without the threat of another sense bumping into it. One at a time. Patience. You will all get a turn. Multiple turns. Individually. Everything I was experiencing was so, so special. Continue reading “July 23 – Are you lonely while you’re looking for yourself out there?”